The Illusion of Control

I’ve recently discovered that control is an illusion. It is a construct, often derived subconsciously, that we employ to make a situation feel safer. As rational human beings, it is not surprising that we cling to our sense of control when life gets hard, messy, or scary. It provides a means of comfort in facing the unknown. A seatbelt on the rollercoaster that is life. I used to believe that having control made me powerful. I was not vulnerable to uncertainty like everyone else because I had something they did not. To prepare for an important exam, I could study for as long as I pleased. To combat the insecurity I felt about my body, I could exercise until I saw agreeable change. To avoid my trouble connecting with others after transferring to a new school, I could isolate instead of treading the waters of an unknown social landscape.

I wholeheartedly believed there was strength in resistance to the unfamiliar; there was satisfaction in acting as the puppet master of my own life. What I did not know, what I could not admit to myself, was that this sense of control wasn’t real. While I was constantly exhausted trying to determine the outcomes of my experiences, life went on without my consent. I soon realized that moving in slow-motion, attempting to manipulate every aspect of my life, left me far behind everyone else. Because of tirelessly studying, I missed out on valuable time with my friends. By limiting myself to a strict exercise regimen, movement became an activity of isolation rather than connection. In avoiding social situations at UCLA, I prevented myself from having college experiences I will never regain.

My point is that control is a mind game. We like to tell ourselves we can dictate the outcome of a situation— or at least, take charge of how we handle it. We subconsciously rely on control as a numbing mechanism to block painful and uncomfortable emotions. Throughout the pandemic, I’ve caught myself engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors to prevent myself from feeling anxious, scared, and alone. On the contrary, we also use control to channel more desired emotions such as power and strength, as we innately seek a sense of agency in our lives. This occurs when we resist certain pleasures we perceive as lowly or natural. For me, these desires are usually associated with specific foods or giving myself permission to relax, but I’m sure you can fill in the blanks for yourself.

Because I am actively working toward “living in the gray area,” I want to caution you from receiving the message that control is all bad. Instead, as I mentioned above, I hope to present it as an illusion. I like to equate the feelings I associate with control to living in a glass bubble. In my glass bubble, I am protected from harm, I operate in pristine condition, I make my own choices. It is here that no one can touch me because I am experiencing the world from a different space than everyone else. However, just as I am isolated physically in this metaphor, so too am I isolated mentally in the real world. When I am “in control,” I sacrifice chance, luck, and possibility. As I push others away, I slowly lose touch of connection. By numbing the negative feelings with control, unprocessed emotions build up. By capitalizing on a false sense of willpower with control, I deprive myself of enjoying life’s pleasures. When someone touches my glass bubble, it shatters. This is just as when my control is threatened, or worse, taken away, I cannot endure.

I’ll present you with the example that I’m sure is pervading everyone’s life at the given moment. Upon being advised to shelter at home, the grasp I had over my life fell away as sand slips through one’s fingertips. Each day, toward the beginning of the order, an event I anticipated was either cancelled or prolonged — my final quarter of college, my graduation ceremony, my ability to apply for jobs. We were all left to cope in the face of worldwide fear with little information or comfort. We had no control.

To any naysayers, the lack of control I refer to does not mean we cannot take precaution. We can, and should continue to, be careful. Of course, we must assume responsibility in our lives, regardless of whether or not we are in the midst of a pandemic. I am personally speaking to control in a broader, less logistical, sense. It is manipulating my food to defuse my fear. It is constantly refreshing my email with the hope of hearing back from jobs I applied to, in attempt to ease my anxiety about not yet having a “plan.” It is worrying incessantly about being alone physically, as this traps me mentally in my catastrophizing brain.

The actions I take in order to feel “in control” do not, in fact, protect me from life’s uncertainties, especially the ones we are currently experiencing. This is why I believe control is an illusion. It is the way in which we see ourselves as bigger and stronger than the obstacles we face. It situates us in the glass bubble. Although we may feel comfortable and protected initially, the bubble can shatter with a mere touch. While I do not yet have much advice to offer about relinquishing this “control,” I think it is apparent to notice it in our lives. To name it and examine it, with curiosity rather than judgment. To channel what it is we actually seek and ask ourselves how we can manifest it into fruition, whether it is feelings of safety, power, or agency. I believe now is as good a time as any to make ourselves better equipped to handle life’s challenges appropriately, to break down our glass bubble so the world doesn’t have to.