Current Thoughts on COVID-19

Hellllllloooooo friends!!! (This is me screaming because the government says we have to remain six feet apart). Welcome to my blog! I’m not exactly sure how I plan to use this space yet. What I do know, is that we are in the midst of a global pandemic. If the state of the world were a movie, one could say that life as we know it is currently on pause. The pace at which we are accustomed to operating has suddenly, and unexpectedly, come to a screeching halt. For me, the past fourteen-plus days have been some of the slowest of my almost twenty-three years on this earth. I have had more free time than I know what to do with—the minutes melding into hours, and the hours compounding into days. For the first time since COVID-19’s malevolent induction into the United States, I find myself sitting down, sitting still. My breathing is rhythmic, my heart rate is regular; I feel more soothed. After fourteen days of waiting in socially-distant-spaced lines outside of grocery stores, participating in virtual chat rooms in attempt to connect with friends and family, and holding my breath every time I overhear a government update on the TV, I have decided to finally take a step back from this reality some are calling the “new normal.” I guess what I’m saying, is that maybe a global crisis confining me to my home is the push I needed to dig deeper into my thoughts, embrace stillness, and put pen to paper (yes, I did write this on paper before typing it— I’m old school like that). After all, if we are forbidden from going outward, we might as well try going inward.

I don’t want to start my blog on a negative note; however, I would be remiss not to address my feelings with you all. Speaking to my grandfather on the phone the other day, he explained to me that in his eighty-plus years of life, never has he experienced something like this. Hearing this statement sent a bitter chill down the back of my spine, through my arms, and into my fingertips. This is history. We are in the midst of what scholars will write about for years to come. Everything we are experiencing is unprecedented. It is not hard to believe that in a time like this, it is difficult to focus on the present. We imagine the succeeding days that will eventually become weeks, and possibly even months. This is overwhelming. We are paralyzed with fear. We feel a dangerous combination of hopelessness and helplessness. I think our feelings toward the current situation are complicated by the fact that as Americans, we are wired to constantly prepare for the future. I know that, for me, this notion has served as the backbone of my upbringing. “Rebecca, make sure you are rigorously saving money. Rebecca, are you working toward securing a summer internship to strengthen your resume so you can get a good job after college? Rebecca, when you date, use the experience to help you determine the qualities you are looking for in a husband” … I think you get it, but the list goes on.

Anxiety, depression, frustration. These are all real and universal feelings. They are valid and deserve recognition and exploration, especially now. As future-oriented human beings, these mental states are almost inevitable. We are expected to always have a plan. We are taught that to be successful is to know what is next. Well, the unfortunate reality, is that for the first time in most of our lives, we are physically incapable of predicting the future (I say physically because we are essentially quarantined to our houses, but you know what I mean). Personally, COVID-19 has spread its wrath of consequences over my life, as I’m sure it has over yours—my last precious moments of college have been stripped away, I will culminate my sixteen-plus years of a grueling education in a virtual graduation ceremony, and my post-college job search will be delayed, and likely adversely affected. It is not in my nature to view these repercussions with empathy. I am insatiably mad. My heart hurts. My stomach is uneasy. But I am embracing my feelings, even though they scare me. I am sitting in the current situation and allowing my emotions to envelop me. What I think that we, as a collective society, are reluctant to do is to accept the present moment. Someone close to me once introduced me to the concept of radical acceptance. Radical acceptance originates from Buddhist thought, and it prompts the idea of complete acceptance without judgment. It just is. We are invited to accept “life on life’s terms,” and to refrain from resisting what we cannot change. I think this idea is as powerful now as ever.

Flooding social media are posts along the lines of “I will never take x,y, and z for granted again.” Or “I will have a newfound appreciation for normalcy.” We are not alone in thinking these thoughts, and we are definitely not wrong for saying them out loud—I know that I do, and that I am. However, after much self-reflection, I believe it is important to acknowledge what we can do in the here and now—not solely what we will do when this nightmare ends. How can we use radical acceptance to make our present moment more tolerable? I’m not suggesting that we have to like it, nor that we have to appreciate it. However, if it is not already clear enough from the government’s orders, let me remind me you that we do have to sit in it. This felt experience, as uncomfortable and foreign as it may be, is entirely out of our control—yes, we should practice social distancing, wash our hands regularly, etc., but the remainder is determined by forces greater than us as average human beings.

Where I personally choose to narrow my focus is on the present moment. Yesterday, I came across social content that read “My life is not on hold. Things might look different right now, but I’m still making progress toward the person I want to become.” This struck a chord with me. Since my internal world, and our external world, changed drastically a few weeks ago, I have found difficulty in simply “being.” Between grocery hoarding and transitioning to a virtual education, I have intentionally avoided stillness. When I am alone is when my thoughts are the most frightening. Like many of you, I play board games, scroll through an endless plethora of Tik Tok videos and banana bread recipes, and soak in my meager (but acceptable) amount of sunlight. I’m not suggesting that these activities are wrong, although I do engage in an array of unhealthy coping skills as well that I am not proud of. What I have begun to consider though, and what I am offering to you, is an invitation to look inward. Maybe it is only for five minutes before bed, or maybe it is during an intense moment of personal clarity. I have found that I do not have an answer to feeling better, nor do I have sage words of wisdom. I, like many of you, have internal demons from unlikely places that the panic surrounding COVID-19 has surfaced. However, I am welcoming these fears, feeling them intensely until they pass (because, eventually, they will), and expressing them to others. I practice this and I write about this because I hope to start a conversation about the range of emotions we are now experiencing. We can talk about the state of the future until we are blue in the face; if we don’t address the present moment and how each one of us can personally make peace with it, this situation will continue to fester in our souls until we are once again confronted with the feelings it has created in us. So, as I conclude, I invite you to join me in radical acceptance. Because when we decide for ourselves to intentionally accept that which we cannot control, we actually become most powerful.